Two years, Already?!

I really can't believe how fast time flies. Ted and I have been married for two years today! I remember when I first realized that I loved him and who he was. I remember when God first spoke to me about him being my husband...

I was sitting in the lobby at the YWAM Denver base, listening to him play his guitar and sing a song he wrote while in Afghanistan. He told us that he wrote it when he first learned who he was in Christ. When he sang, I remember listening and realizing how amazing this man really was. This song was created out of this beautiful truth and revelation he has recieved. I'd never heard anything so beautiful.

I remember watching him play and then realizing how much I cared for him. I remember God saying to me not long after this, that I was going to marry Ted. I remember being totally stunned and wondering how that was possible since I had only met him one month before this all.

I left the lobby that night knowing 2 things;

1. I Cared deeply for a man I basically just met

2. I needed to let God lead Ted if I was truly to become his wife.

I remember the days and months after that night in the lobby. Knowing that I did not need to pursue anything if this is really what God had for me. I also knew how scary this was, trusting that it was God that had spoken to me.

Since I was a student and Ted was on staff, we were never aloud to talk about the possibility of a relationship or even hint at it. We had mutual friends and hung out a lot, but I can honestly say that Ted was a man of integrity and kept a good distance from me until the right timing.

I remember one evening before graduation, I was out walking with a friend and Ted flew past in a truck then reveresed and parked in the lot next to us. I remember seeing my two other buddies walking up to me with a strange look of excitement on their faces. I remember being totally confused.

Ted practically jumped out of the truck and came quickly to my side. He asked me to go for a walk with him and told me that he had gotten permission from my school leader to talk to me. I couldn't breath or at least I don't remember breathing. Was this really happening?

Ted had given me very little indication that he was interested in me, in fact, at this point I had laid my desire to be with him down and had really taken in the fact that we would just be friends.

He walked to me the edge of the grass and asked me to sit down. As soon as we sat down, he told me that he had driven to Wyoming (where my family lived at the time) to visit with my dad and ask him for my hand. He actually told my dad his intention to marry me and shockingly, dad gave him permission ( :) ).

Ted then went on, "I am crazy about you Jami..." We could only talk for 30 minutes max because I still had a curfew as I was still a student, but it was the most amazing 30 minutes ever.

Remembering that night brings me so much joy and even tears (but rememeber, I'm prego!) He asked me to be his girl and told me that he prayed and has much confirmation that we would be married one day. I was STUNNED.

This was just the beginning to our life together. I love the way it began and came about and couldn't ask me for anything better.

This is the short version to a very beautiful story. I am always encouraging girls to wait and let the guy pursue her instead of her pursing him. To seek God with everything, because He will guide you! It can be beautiful and it can be everything that you wanted it to be.

Ted respected my wish to not kiss before we married. It's something that I had wanted to do since I was 12 when I first heard about it in a youth group evening. I remember losing the innocence not too long after this desire to wait came about and how crushed I was. Thinking I could never give my husband all of me because it was taken from me.

I remember how God redeemed me and made me whole again for Ted. Our relationship is one of great redemption and I cannot thank God enough for bringing me such an incredible man of God. One who loves me for me, challenges me to be the best that I can, and never gives up on me.

Our first kiss was at the alter and I can honestly say that I don't remember hearing the crowd or the little poppers our bridesmaids and groomsmen shot off. I can also honestly say I felt awful for Ted, because I realized... I am a terrible kisser! :)

I love you so much baby! Thank you for two very wonderful years of marriage!

Worthy of Pursuing.

I remember the first few weeks of my Discipleship Training School well,

Sitting in teaching after teaching with my dark black hair covering half of my face,

Hiding, or at least trying to.

I remember hearing people talk of a relationship with God as if He was right next to them,

And I also remember thinking, these people were seriously crazy.

What had I gotten myself into?

What were they even talking about?

I remember a specific teaching of who God was.

The Father heart of God.

The teacher spoke of God as a friend, a father, our saviour, a lover, etc.

This was quite unbelievable to me, because I had never personally experienced God as any of those.

To me, He was powerful, almighty and far far away.

But the thing that made me curious, was the look in this man's eyes.

As our teacher spoke of God in this way, he had such a peace and an expression that said,

this is who God is.

I remember him giving us a sheet of paper with verses of who God is and asking us to spend a few hours meditating on the scriptures.

I took the sheet and went to my favourite quiet time spot; at a baseball field next to our base on a staircase.

I remember first hearing God speak to me here,

He told me I was His beloved.

I sat in silence for a while. In disbelief.

I was His beloved? Why? What did that even mean?

Since that moment, God has been showing me who He is and where He has been in specific moments in my life. He has shown me His different attributes and how real and personable He is. He has shown me who I am in Him.

It's been an incredible, healing process and it definitely hasn't been easy.

It's taken time and I still have a long way to go, but I have hope!

I've been disheartened lately,

See, as I have been finding who I am in Him, I have been really trying to step out of who I think I am.

This is hard.

It's the identity I've know for most of my life, so leaving this behind is somewhat scary.

Stepping into the unknown.

And trusting.

I am not the most outgoing or outspoken person.

And along the way of finding who I am in Christ,

I've realized more and more the quiet nature that He has given me.

I've learned to appreciate who I am, rather than be discouraged that I am not this or that.

Recently I've realized how most people view me if they do not personally know me.

It hurts because I am not a terrible person.

Because I am more quiet or don't initiate conversation, this does not make me a mean or intense person, which surprisingly I've found that more and more people think this.

In fact, once someone gets to know me, they usually tell me what their first impression of me was. This is not always encouraging to hear :)

A situation arose yesterday that made me realize, once again, how people may view me.

I am trying to step out and let people get to know me.

But I myself am learning just who I am in Christ.

It's a difficult transition, but one worthy of pursuing.

I just needed to share and process a bit.