Letting Go.

Today my mom and my friend Bethany both encouraged me with very similar things; being emotionally real and letting go of what hold onto so tightly.

They weren't just talking about what I want our birth story to look like, they were talking about something deeper. (They didn't actually say that, but I knew).

My trust in Him is what immediately came to mind. It is my weakness to pull away, to withdraw my hand, when things become difficult or tough. It is hard for me to trust Him completely, with my everything. I begin to try and take control of the situation in fear of what His will might be.

I am afraid He will leave me.

His will for me sometimes scares me, because of my past. I am left wondering how He expects me to truly trust Him completely. Then I remember how much He probably is longing for that. For my trust in Him again. And even how much He truly does deserve my everything.

This isn't easy.

This isn't simple.

Yet...

Here I am, letting go. Learning to trust.

This Helpless isn't Hopeless.

I'm aching today and not just in the pregnancy way.

My heart is really hurting and my spirit feels weary.

Each new day as I wait for our baby to make his/her arrival

My emotions sky rocket.

That could be what today is all about.

I just feel completely worn out and weary.

A lot of the turmoil within is from feeling helpless.

Helpless is seeing the people I love and care for the most really find who they are and walk in that with their everything.

Helpless as I watch them hurting.

Helpless as I watch them turning away from the very thing they need the most.

Helpless as I watch my Love go for his dreams, only to have them slowly taken away from him, little by little.

Helpless is knowing when our little one will arrive and if he/she will be healthy and safe in this world.

Helpless in the times I feel alone.

Helpless in just waiting for all of the above to be made right.

But this helpless isn't hopeless.

I do know this much.

I will hold onto this with all of my heart.