Letting Go.

Today my mom and my friend Bethany both encouraged me with very similar things; being emotionally real and letting go of what hold onto so tightly.

They weren't just talking about what I want our birth story to look like, they were talking about something deeper. (They didn't actually say that, but I knew).

My trust in Him is what immediately came to mind. It is my weakness to pull away, to withdraw my hand, when things become difficult or tough. It is hard for me to trust Him completely, with my everything. I begin to try and take control of the situation in fear of what His will might be.

I am afraid He will leave me.

His will for me sometimes scares me, because of my past. I am left wondering how He expects me to truly trust Him completely. Then I remember how much He probably is longing for that. For my trust in Him again. And even how much He truly does deserve my everything.

This isn't easy.

This isn't simple.

Yet...

Here I am, letting go. Learning to trust.

This Helpless isn't Hopeless.

I'm aching today and not just in the pregnancy way.

My heart is really hurting and my spirit feels weary.

Each new day as I wait for our baby to make his/her arrival

My emotions sky rocket.

That could be what today is all about.

I just feel completely worn out and weary.

A lot of the turmoil within is from feeling helpless.

Helpless is seeing the people I love and care for the most really find who they are and walk in that with their everything.

Helpless as I watch them hurting.

Helpless as I watch them turning away from the very thing they need the most.

Helpless as I watch my Love go for his dreams, only to have them slowly taken away from him, little by little.

Helpless is knowing when our little one will arrive and if he/she will be healthy and safe in this world.

Helpless in the times I feel alone.

Helpless in just waiting for all of the above to be made right.

But this helpless isn't hopeless.

I do know this much.

I will hold onto this with all of my heart.

Two years, Already?!

I really can't believe how fast time flies. Ted and I have been married for two years today! I remember when I first realized that I loved him and who he was. I remember when God first spoke to me about him being my husband...

I was sitting in the lobby at the YWAM Denver base, listening to him play his guitar and sing a song he wrote while in Afghanistan. He told us that he wrote it when he first learned who he was in Christ. When he sang, I remember listening and realizing how amazing this man really was. This song was created out of this beautiful truth and revelation he has recieved. I'd never heard anything so beautiful.

I remember watching him play and then realizing how much I cared for him. I remember God saying to me not long after this, that I was going to marry Ted. I remember being totally stunned and wondering how that was possible since I had only met him one month before this all.

I left the lobby that night knowing 2 things;

1. I Cared deeply for a man I basically just met

2. I needed to let God lead Ted if I was truly to become his wife.

I remember the days and months after that night in the lobby. Knowing that I did not need to pursue anything if this is really what God had for me. I also knew how scary this was, trusting that it was God that had spoken to me.

Since I was a student and Ted was on staff, we were never aloud to talk about the possibility of a relationship or even hint at it. We had mutual friends and hung out a lot, but I can honestly say that Ted was a man of integrity and kept a good distance from me until the right timing.

I remember one evening before graduation, I was out walking with a friend and Ted flew past in a truck then reveresed and parked in the lot next to us. I remember seeing my two other buddies walking up to me with a strange look of excitement on their faces. I remember being totally confused.

Ted practically jumped out of the truck and came quickly to my side. He asked me to go for a walk with him and told me that he had gotten permission from my school leader to talk to me. I couldn't breath or at least I don't remember breathing. Was this really happening?

Ted had given me very little indication that he was interested in me, in fact, at this point I had laid my desire to be with him down and had really taken in the fact that we would just be friends.

He walked to me the edge of the grass and asked me to sit down. As soon as we sat down, he told me that he had driven to Wyoming (where my family lived at the time) to visit with my dad and ask him for my hand. He actually told my dad his intention to marry me and shockingly, dad gave him permission ( :) ).

Ted then went on, "I am crazy about you Jami..." We could only talk for 30 minutes max because I still had a curfew as I was still a student, but it was the most amazing 30 minutes ever.

Remembering that night brings me so much joy and even tears (but rememeber, I'm prego!) He asked me to be his girl and told me that he prayed and has much confirmation that we would be married one day. I was STUNNED.

This was just the beginning to our life together. I love the way it began and came about and couldn't ask me for anything better.

This is the short version to a very beautiful story. I am always encouraging girls to wait and let the guy pursue her instead of her pursing him. To seek God with everything, because He will guide you! It can be beautiful and it can be everything that you wanted it to be.

Ted respected my wish to not kiss before we married. It's something that I had wanted to do since I was 12 when I first heard about it in a youth group evening. I remember losing the innocence not too long after this desire to wait came about and how crushed I was. Thinking I could never give my husband all of me because it was taken from me.

I remember how God redeemed me and made me whole again for Ted. Our relationship is one of great redemption and I cannot thank God enough for bringing me such an incredible man of God. One who loves me for me, challenges me to be the best that I can, and never gives up on me.

Our first kiss was at the alter and I can honestly say that I don't remember hearing the crowd or the little poppers our bridesmaids and groomsmen shot off. I can also honestly say I felt awful for Ted, because I realized... I am a terrible kisser! :)

I love you so much baby! Thank you for two very wonderful years of marriage!

Worthy of Pursuing.

I remember the first few weeks of my Discipleship Training School well,

Sitting in teaching after teaching with my dark black hair covering half of my face,

Hiding, or at least trying to.

I remember hearing people talk of a relationship with God as if He was right next to them,

And I also remember thinking, these people were seriously crazy.

What had I gotten myself into?

What were they even talking about?

I remember a specific teaching of who God was.

The Father heart of God.

The teacher spoke of God as a friend, a father, our saviour, a lover, etc.

This was quite unbelievable to me, because I had never personally experienced God as any of those.

To me, He was powerful, almighty and far far away.

But the thing that made me curious, was the look in this man's eyes.

As our teacher spoke of God in this way, he had such a peace and an expression that said,

this is who God is.

I remember him giving us a sheet of paper with verses of who God is and asking us to spend a few hours meditating on the scriptures.

I took the sheet and went to my favourite quiet time spot; at a baseball field next to our base on a staircase.

I remember first hearing God speak to me here,

He told me I was His beloved.

I sat in silence for a while. In disbelief.

I was His beloved? Why? What did that even mean?

Since that moment, God has been showing me who He is and where He has been in specific moments in my life. He has shown me His different attributes and how real and personable He is. He has shown me who I am in Him.

It's been an incredible, healing process and it definitely hasn't been easy.

It's taken time and I still have a long way to go, but I have hope!

I've been disheartened lately,

See, as I have been finding who I am in Him, I have been really trying to step out of who I think I am.

This is hard.

It's the identity I've know for most of my life, so leaving this behind is somewhat scary.

Stepping into the unknown.

And trusting.

I am not the most outgoing or outspoken person.

And along the way of finding who I am in Christ,

I've realized more and more the quiet nature that He has given me.

I've learned to appreciate who I am, rather than be discouraged that I am not this or that.

Recently I've realized how most people view me if they do not personally know me.

It hurts because I am not a terrible person.

Because I am more quiet or don't initiate conversation, this does not make me a mean or intense person, which surprisingly I've found that more and more people think this.

In fact, once someone gets to know me, they usually tell me what their first impression of me was. This is not always encouraging to hear :)

A situation arose yesterday that made me realize, once again, how people may view me.

I am trying to step out and let people get to know me.

But I myself am learning just who I am in Christ.

It's a difficult transition, but one worthy of pursuing.

I just needed to share and process a bit.

Therefore I Have Hope.

 “ The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, 

  “ Therefore I hope in Him!” 

       The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, 

      To the soul who seeks Him.  

Lam 3:24-25

I admit, I can be a bit dramatic sometimes.

But I can honestly say that I really am struggling with loneliness again.

I spent a lot of time this morning wondering why it keeps sneaking up on me and I can't figure it out.

The only thing that I can think of that actually makes sense, is that this is an attack on me.

Especially before I become a mother.

Lamentations used to be one of my favourite books of the Bible, isn't that kind of sad?

And then here I am again, dwelling on this scripture because right now, this is what I need.

I need to remember my hope is in Him. 

I need to remember that I am not alone.

That He will never leave me.

I realized that for a while during this pregnancy, I really backed away from something God was speaking to me. 

You see, He kept asking me, "Jami, do you trust me with your child?"

I didn't want to let go and I struggled with the thought of opening this tightly clenched fist that comforted me so much, knowing that I was in control (or thinking I was) of our baby.

I struggle with completely trusting Him with everything. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never yet trusted Him completely with my everything.

I have given Him areas and I have trusted Him with this or with that.

And this really grieves me!

Why can't this be easy and why can't I let go?

I wonder if this is why I am experiencing such a deep loneliness. 

Not because He is making me lonely, but because I am not completely willing to let go.

Which causes me to slightly back away, inch by inch, from the very loving arms I need to be in.

Father, I want to learn to trust you in everything. I want to trust that you have never left me and that you will never leave me. I want to trust that you will take care of our new baby and the many more children to come. I want to trust you, yet it is so hard for me. Please bear with me as You wait and thank you for being patient with me. I love you, I can honestly say this. I love you and I want to trust you completely.

My Stagnant Dwelling is No More.

I realized this morning how pathetic I have been

This is not a pity party blog update, just simply the truth

I've spent so much of my time dwelling upon the times where I felt You abandoned me

The times where I have felt alone and wondered where You were.

I've spent the past few months replaying many situations

Which cause me to feel alone and  to wallow in old lies I once believed.

It sickens me, causes me to see only in shades of gray, yet again.

This dwelling is leaving me stagnant. Walking me in circles.

A vicious cycle of fear, loneliness and disbelief.

It hit me so suddenly this morning. 

Why am I not rejoicing? How am I standing stagnant in remembering the things of the past?

Why am I not thanking You for your healing hand? 

At first I felt such a guilt for feeling the way I have been feeling and not bringing You praise. 

Then I remembered who You are and how You love me, how You've lifted my downcast spirit, how You've lifted my eyes until I met Yours, how You've taken me in Your arms, how You've healed me both inside and out.

How can I not rejoice and walk in victory? 

Oh Father I know Your love for me is unfathomable it is so great, so deep and so wide. 

Thank you for loving me for me. Thank you for bringing me out of the dark and lonely road and into Your loving arms.

Thank You for always being right beside me even when it hurt, for I know You now and I know You were crying there beside me.

Thank you for pursuing me until I realized Your love for me.

Thank You for walking along side me, even now as I write. 

Leading me into more understand of who You are and Your great love for me.

Help me to portray You to my daughter or my son, as the most loving Father, trustworthy in every way, faithful, true, forgiving, a healer, a friend...

For you are everything good. I want them to know You as You've shown Yourself to me, to Ted.

Help us portray You as who You are.

Love,