Therefore I Have Hope.

 “ The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, 

  “ Therefore I hope in Him!” 

       The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, 

      To the soul who seeks Him.  

Lam 3:24-25

I admit, I can be a bit dramatic sometimes.

But I can honestly say that I really am struggling with loneliness again.

I spent a lot of time this morning wondering why it keeps sneaking up on me and I can't figure it out.

The only thing that I can think of that actually makes sense, is that this is an attack on me.

Especially before I become a mother.

Lamentations used to be one of my favourite books of the Bible, isn't that kind of sad?

And then here I am again, dwelling on this scripture because right now, this is what I need.

I need to remember my hope is in Him. 

I need to remember that I am not alone.

That He will never leave me.

I realized that for a while during this pregnancy, I really backed away from something God was speaking to me. 

You see, He kept asking me, "Jami, do you trust me with your child?"

I didn't want to let go and I struggled with the thought of opening this tightly clenched fist that comforted me so much, knowing that I was in control (or thinking I was) of our baby.

I struggle with completely trusting Him with everything. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never yet trusted Him completely with my everything.

I have given Him areas and I have trusted Him with this or with that.

And this really grieves me!

Why can't this be easy and why can't I let go?

I wonder if this is why I am experiencing such a deep loneliness. 

Not because He is making me lonely, but because I am not completely willing to let go.

Which causes me to slightly back away, inch by inch, from the very loving arms I need to be in.

Father, I want to learn to trust you in everything. I want to trust that you have never left me and that you will never leave me. I want to trust that you will take care of our new baby and the many more children to come. I want to trust you, yet it is so hard for me. Please bear with me as You wait and thank you for being patient with me. I love you, I can honestly say this. I love you and I want to trust you completely.