Therefore I Have Hope.

 “ The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, 

  “ Therefore I hope in Him!” 

       The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, 

      To the soul who seeks Him.  

Lam 3:24-25

I admit, I can be a bit dramatic sometimes.

But I can honestly say that I really am struggling with loneliness again.

I spent a lot of time this morning wondering why it keeps sneaking up on me and I can't figure it out.

The only thing that I can think of that actually makes sense, is that this is an attack on me.

Especially before I become a mother.

Lamentations used to be one of my favourite books of the Bible, isn't that kind of sad?

And then here I am again, dwelling on this scripture because right now, this is what I need.

I need to remember my hope is in Him. 

I need to remember that I am not alone.

That He will never leave me.

I realized that for a while during this pregnancy, I really backed away from something God was speaking to me. 

You see, He kept asking me, "Jami, do you trust me with your child?"

I didn't want to let go and I struggled with the thought of opening this tightly clenched fist that comforted me so much, knowing that I was in control (or thinking I was) of our baby.

I struggle with completely trusting Him with everything. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never yet trusted Him completely with my everything.

I have given Him areas and I have trusted Him with this or with that.

And this really grieves me!

Why can't this be easy and why can't I let go?

I wonder if this is why I am experiencing such a deep loneliness. 

Not because He is making me lonely, but because I am not completely willing to let go.

Which causes me to slightly back away, inch by inch, from the very loving arms I need to be in.

Father, I want to learn to trust you in everything. I want to trust that you have never left me and that you will never leave me. I want to trust that you will take care of our new baby and the many more children to come. I want to trust you, yet it is so hard for me. Please bear with me as You wait and thank you for being patient with me. I love you, I can honestly say this. I love you and I want to trust you completely.

My Stagnant Dwelling is No More.

I realized this morning how pathetic I have been

This is not a pity party blog update, just simply the truth

I've spent so much of my time dwelling upon the times where I felt You abandoned me

The times where I have felt alone and wondered where You were.

I've spent the past few months replaying many situations

Which cause me to feel alone and  to wallow in old lies I once believed.

It sickens me, causes me to see only in shades of gray, yet again.

This dwelling is leaving me stagnant. Walking me in circles.

A vicious cycle of fear, loneliness and disbelief.

It hit me so suddenly this morning. 

Why am I not rejoicing? How am I standing stagnant in remembering the things of the past?

Why am I not thanking You for your healing hand? 

At first I felt such a guilt for feeling the way I have been feeling and not bringing You praise. 

Then I remembered who You are and how You love me, how You've lifted my downcast spirit, how You've lifted my eyes until I met Yours, how You've taken me in Your arms, how You've healed me both inside and out.

How can I not rejoice and walk in victory? 

Oh Father I know Your love for me is unfathomable it is so great, so deep and so wide. 

Thank you for loving me for me. Thank you for bringing me out of the dark and lonely road and into Your loving arms.

Thank You for always being right beside me even when it hurt, for I know You now and I know You were crying there beside me.

Thank you for pursuing me until I realized Your love for me.

Thank You for walking along side me, even now as I write. 

Leading me into more understand of who You are and Your great love for me.

Help me to portray You to my daughter or my son, as the most loving Father, trustworthy in every way, faithful, true, forgiving, a healer, a friend...

For you are everything good. I want them to know You as You've shown Yourself to me, to Ted.

Help us portray You as who You are.

Love,

I dream of what I cannot fathom.

I dream of that moment when I first hold you in my arms

And whisper my love to you and cry

I dream of your little eyes starting into mine

Already glowing because you know how much I love you

For I know you will!

I dream of singing "You are my sunshine" 

As you lay beside me in bed and your little hand holds tightly to my finger

I dream of the moments where you lay between momma and daddy 

And we watch in awe at our creation- You, our precious baby.

I dream of times during worship, where daddy will hold you against his chest

And I will probably cry because it will be the most beautiful sight

I dream of what you might look like

And you always leave me wondering, will you be dark like momma or light like daddy?

I dream of your first little smiles, your first tiny giggles, your first words...

You always leave me wondering what your personality will be!

Will you be shy like momma or bold and courageous like daddy?

Either way I know that your little smile while capture everyone!

I dream of you cuddling against me and falling asleep as I hold you closely

Those moments I will adore.

I dream of watching your daddy talk baby talk to you and you smiling and giggling in return.

I dream of our new little family beginning with excitement and joy!

I dream of who you will become and you finding who you are in Christ!

You are so precious to me, my sweet baby.

You have already taken apart of my heart and I will never ask for it back, 

For you, my baby, I love and will always adore.

I dream of the first moment that I see you and they place you on my chest,

I cannot even fathom the love that I will feel in that moment.

I love you my little sunshine and can't wait to meet you face to face in a few weeks!

Love,

Taking Your Hand.

I spend a lot of my time wondering what You are doing, instead of just trusting that You know how to lead us. You know where You are taking us and that should be good enough, but for some reason, my mind thinks that it isn't.

So many times You've reached out and asked us to take your hand and trust You and so many times we've done so with such hesitancy, fearing the unknown, yet every time you grasp our hand in Yours so tightly and lead us right to where we need to be. 

You walk with us through the times where it seems so desolate and lonely. The times where everything seems to be going wrong. The times where we fall hard and have a rough time getting back up. The times where we cry because it hurts so much inside. The times where we rejoice. The times when we laugh. 

Yes, through every valley, every shadow, every trip, every stone thrown our way, every word that we have said, you still grasp our hand tightly. Never to let us go.

Thank You for always being there, even when we were so blind to Your presence. I know you were there through the good times and the bad. Through the thick and the thin.  Through the ugly, painful times and the beautiful times of restoration. 

You've never let us go.

My Ted.

Sunday is my Ted's 24th birthday. A celebration!

This morning I picked up a dear friend of his from the airport as a surprise and when Ted saw him, he almost cried. He was so touched by how much his friend loves him. 

I realized this morning, as I watched the two of them hug, just how much my husband needs affirmation, encouragement and to know that he is loved just as much if not more than I think I need them. 

I realized I spend a lot of my time with him, talking about how I am doing, the things I am struggling with, the ways that I need to feel loved and complaining even still. It's all about me.

I am determined to let him know, each and every day, just how much I love him. I am determined to encourage him and affirm him. 

I also realize that God is His ultimate source of encouragement, affirmation and love, otherwise he would probably be a mess. He is composed and know how much God loves him and that makes a huge difference in how he lives. 

But I also know that there are certain encouragements, affirmations and love that only a wife could give to him and that is what I am writing about today.

My Ted is a passionate, inspiring, creative man of God. He is everything that a girl could ask for in a husband and more. He is man with many visions, dreams and life goals that I know he will pursue until the end. He is my lover, my prince charming and my best friend. He know who he is in Christ and chooses to walk in complete fullness.

I am proud to call him my husband and I am thankful to God for bringing us together as one.

I am thankful for this opportunity to embark on this journey together and watch as our dreams collide into this beautiful array of colours.