BAM.

Suddenly it's hit me and with quite a force.

I was telling Ted last night how I feel so apathetic.

I feel like I haven't had many great conversations with God lately.

Or barely any for that matter.

And frankly, I feel like I don't have time to.

I am also dealing with a bit of bitterness toward Him.

He knew my heart's desire for an all natural delivery of our child.

And I was only able to go 16 hours without any medication.

And then, even 42 hours later & 10 cm dilated, I couldn't even have him naturally.

It still feels like a low blow to me.

I hate that that is the way I feel.

Because it's not me and it's not t r u t h.

I realized that it has been since I've become a momma.

It has nothing to do with Chase or being his mommy, no, that's not it.

I've been in this huge transition of going from working in ministry full time to being a full time mom.

I am learning how to recognize the presence of God is still with me.

I know that may sound awful, but it's seriously true.

I am learning to recognize Him again.

As I a home with Chase and not at YWAM, where you can literally feel the presence of God most of the time.

He is with me

as I change diapers, nurse, cook, take naps, clean, grocery shop, do laundry, run errands...

as I live life outside of YWAM.

as I transition into a momma.

It's actually a lot harder than it sounds.

Anyone who has left YWAM can relate.

oh golly.

But I do know without a doubt;

I am called to be in ministry

I am designed to be Ted's wife and Chase's mother

Here I am recognizing.

You are here with me as I walk through this transition.

This is only the beginning to a seriously sweet and complete relationship with You.

Living life to the fullest no matter where I am or what I am doing.