I want, I want, I want;
- A place to call home, A place to settle in. Roots, A HOME of our own, with a backyard, A home for me to decorate, To eat healthy. Organic even! Gym passes for Ted and I, new clothes for Ted and I, a nice, reliable, new car,..... there is so much WANT in me right now!
I don't know what is going on. I feel like it's an attack.
I know that the wants and the desire for these things is stemming out of being dissatisfied with myself in other areas.
Ultimately, it boils down to feeling disgusted with myself for not trying hard to lose this baby weight, for the way I eat and what I am eating/drinking, I shouldn't have lost a pound.
I am frustrated with myself for not spending the time I do want and need with God, for not using my time wisely and doing the creative projects I desire to do.
I am dissatisfied today. Immensely so!! I feel like I am too far gone to do anything I really desire. I have always had desire to create, to live life to the fullest and to not waste my time and I feel like I am stuck.
The only thing I feel encouraged in today is the fact that Chase is secure in knowing he is loved. You can honestly just tell. He is such a truly happy and chill little guy. I spend a lot of time with Chase, talking with him, hanging out on the floor playing with him, singing, going for walks, getting out for the day, etc. It is the one area I feel like I am doing good in.
Ugh, please pray for me. I've been working on the fruits of the spirit and I am failing miserably.
I will totally be praying for you. I can understand the having "the wants". Just remember that you are adjusting to a totally new life, and it is normal to have wants and probably having a precious little one that you want to provide for brings out the wants even more. You will figure it out, one step at a time. Be kind to yourself in the meantime, and I am praying..
ReplyDeleteThanks for your transparency. I think you know this, but that disgust with yourself is nothing more than a lie the enemy wants you to grab hold of. The truth is that God loves you immensely and completely even if you did nothing whatsoever for Him. In fact, it's that "striving to do something for God" that I think puts us in bondage to focusing on our own efforts and not the grace and work of Jesus. I think you'll always fail miserably when you try to "do" the fruits of the Spirit, because they are just that: FRUIT.. only the Spirit can produce them! I say this because I spent so many years being disgusted with myself and feeling like I could never just live for God like I wanted to, and not too long ago, he opened my eyes to see that He just wanted me to focus on knowing Him, loving Him and being loved by Him... and to realize that there is NOTHING I can do to make myself more worthy of His love. Though just loving Chase and your husband may sometimes seem like a "small life" it is so far from that!!! Don't let Satan steal your joy. I know you're working at YWAM in ministry, but just know that you reflect the grace and joy of the Lord so much through your love for your family. It shows!
ReplyDelete**I hope I don't sound preachy... I just wanted to encourage you!