Down in My Heart.

Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy,

Down in my heart.

Abigayil Reed

My youngest sister.

She's quite the girl. Seriously.

Me.

Me, dos.

Abie's sunlight jump.

I adore her.

She's a little piece of joy, deep down in my heart.

Love you Abs.

Always, Sometimes, Never.

I Always...

Want to blog about something.

Had the desire to be a momma.

Think family should come first.

Find a reason to take a picture.

Seem to lose to ruin the cell phone I own.

Enjoy thrift store shopping.

Love sweets.

Prefer laundry to cooking.

Feel really proud when Ted introduces me as his wife.

Seek truth and justice.

Discern.

I sometimes...

Am reminded of Thailand in the little things around me.

Waste my time and regret it.

Wish I was better at the things I am passionate about.

Talk gibberish with my baby boy.

React before thinking.

Wound easily.

Forget to send the Thank You's I write and find them much, much later.

Have terrible nightmares that I can't shake.

Run errands in sweat pants.

Head to the home decor section and wish we had a long term home to decorate.

Keep silent when I have something to say.

Wonder if I am parenting Chase right.

Cry.

Try to be an extravert at YWAM then come home exhausted.

Think I live in a bubble.

I never...

Realized how selfish I am until I was married (and now with a baby).

Thought it would take so long for me to get pregnant.

Expected labor to be so painful. (I really thought I was dying a few times.)

Had more than $4,000 in our bank account as a couple and that was a one time deal :)

Like confronting people.

Feel completely secure in who I am. (Working on that.)

Want to forget what Christ has done for me.

Want to forget the things I am most passionate about.

To Write Love...

On Her Arms.

Today I write on mine to represent them.

This hits close to home for me.

It's on my heart now that I have freedom to see those hurting freed.

Today is a day dedicated to remembering those lost,

to pray for those who are struggling with depression

and to hopefully change a life.

Wearing it today to support a great cause. One of my favourite t-shirts to date.

From the TWLOHA facebook;

*****To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥

Unfortunately, no one asked me why I had love written on my arm, and I did feel kind of silly doing so, but to me it was worth it just to see love written here all day and remember to keep praying for my loved ones that I know are dealing with this very thing. It's such a battle and I believe it can be won.

Thank you Jesus for healing us.

Please help others find freedom too.

Want to buy a shirt to support this cause? Click here.

The Tough Questions.

Today when I was writing one of my dearest friends an email,
I was reminded of what God spoke to me two years ago September when I was questioning him
with the "whys" and "where were you when..." and about hurts, etc.

He said,
"I trust you to trust in me."

It was so simple, yet it stuck.
I needed to hear Him speak.

And He spoke exactly what I needed to hear.

Initially, it wasn't what I wanted to hear and it wasn't easy to do.

Actually... it still is hard (hence, last nights blog)

It is hard, but today I'm reminded of this and giving it ALL to him.

Thank you Father, for allowing me to ask the tough questions and thank you, even more, for answering my cries with what I need to hear you speak, rather than what I want to hear! You are trustworthy. I know this.

I am a bottler.

Bitterness.

I can't sleep tonight because of this lovely word.
I am wrapped in this very thing tonight.
Even the word itself is so awful, but this feeling is so much worse.

I am hurt.

I am frustrated.

I am bitter.

And I can't sleep because of it.

I am a bottler.
I bottle, bottle, bottle.
Then explode (usually in tears).

Healthy, huh?
Yeah...I'm working on that.

Part of why I am upset is because I witness injustices and I bottle them up.

Wanting them to be made right.

Yet they go unattended, ignored, avoided... never to be made right.

I have eyes and a heart for justice and I can't seem to grasp the mercy part.

Yet they go hand in hand (I've blogged about this before).

I guess it has just added up and I am weary of carrying this.

We are being wounded left and right and it seems like we aren't getting a break.

I've begun to see people for who they truly are.

Their true colours despite their facade.

I don't understand what exactly is going on.

People choosing the cause rather than relationship.

We live in a seriously fallen world.

And I also know that "hurting people hurt people".

But somehow that doesn't make this any better.

It also doesn't help that I am also easily offended and hurt.

Oh golly, I've got a long way to go.

This is me, "unbottling".

Trying to get this out and hopefully I will sleep better tonight.

I'm going to need the help of my Father on this one.

God, thank you so much for being so gracious and merciful.

I have a lot to learn from you!

It's pathetic the things I hold onto sometimes and even more pathetic that I lose much needed sleep to them.

I'll take the food poisoning, please.

Yesterday I was extremely sick with food poisoning
But that isn't what aches the most.

My closest loved ones are hurting.
One possible more than ever before.
And the other is in utter confusion and despair.

I have been challenged to trust God despite the circumstances
But today I stand in frustration and confusion. Why is everything around us falling apart?

How could God bring my sister this far, only to take away the very thing needed the most?
Healing, positive people surrounding her, a time set apart with Him.

She too has such a hard time trusting God and then this?
I am at a loss of understanding.

I don't understand why people couldn't help her and those I know that could have but just didn't.

I wish I had what she needs to stay.
I wish I could have helped, even just a little bit.

I was thinking about what I could sell this weekend but it's too late.
The grace period is up...

God, it's hard to understand what you were thinking here.
And it makes me wonder, are really controlling this situation?
I mean, is this your doing?
I am realizing more and more how hard trusting is while living in this world of sin and selfishness.
Please, Father, guide her, love her, speak to her and if possible MAKE A WAY for her to stay!
All things are possible with you.

That is what I will cling to now.